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I’m Jack and I’m going to tell you the true reality about how I got rich. Everything was in color and my mother was a crack addict and she wanted me to sell our donkey for some crack or money from her local dealer down at the Hooders club alley. I told her that I didn't feel the need to do it and she slapped me with her big saggy titties and sent me flying to the kitchen. She got mad when “I” broke a few dishes and sent me on my way.
I decided to do it and to please my fucking abominable snowman of a mother and went to the back of the house. When I peered my head from the corner and saw our prized ass and he was eating some grass from the ground and just standing while moving his ears. I named him Juan. I went to the tool shed and got some rope and tied him up. Right when I was about to leave I heard my name being called. I looked the other way and saw my brother who was respectfully named after my mother. I yelled Jonadrug and he responded and ran faster towards me from the lake in the distance.
My brain at that moment started to form a plan and I agreed to it. When he came up to me and while he was catching his breath I thought of the plan. I asked him if he could go sell Juan to the guy at the alley. He knew who the guy was since Mom visits with Jona at her side. He quickly nodded his head in agreement and took the rope from my grasp and ran off into the sunset with Juan tagging along beside him.
I was inside playing some Beach Volleyball with a few tissues and waited for my brother to come back and my mother left when I was all alone in my house. I was in the middle of something when I heard a knock on the door. I quickly turned everything off and cleaned the mess and opened the front door. I saw my little ass wipe of a brother and he started to jump for joy at the door. He opened his hand and told me he sold the donkey for 3 fucking magic beans. I wanted to fucking kill him at that moment and I would of if he didn’t run past me and yelled out he was going to hide the beans.
I had no idea what I was going to say to my mother at the time and I felt discouraged. I went to the kitchen and grabbed the last apple from the counter and at the whole thing. I loved apples ever since I was a kid and I never wanted to waste a single bite. I ate it, but I was still hungry and I decided to go into my secret stash in my room.
I got into my room and tats when I saw my brother on the bed just looking at me and dangling his feet at the edge. I told him to gtfo and he ran out and slammed the door on his way. I wanted to kill that turn, but I decided to let it go and was hopeful that mom got drunk and it would give me enough time to explain the situation.
I got a big black box from under my bed and when I opened it a light from heaven shined at my face and I saw apples in many colors. I got the one that was on top of the rest and took a bite out of it. I put the box away and went into the living room and saw my brother sitting on the couch. When I looked at him I got this feeling…It wasn't a pain, but just a feeling. I quickly brushed it off and I was almost done with the apple.
I took a seat next to him and he turned wide eyed when he saw me eating the apple. He quickly told me that he hid the magic beans inside the apple. I stopped eating it and the only thing left was the bottom of the apple. I wanted to kill him at that moment because I thought if I would mash them and turn them into powder I could trick my mom.
I went outside 8 hours later in the afternoon at the lake and it was peaceful, until my brother came to me again. I was going to run after him and to try and drown him in the lake and that’s when it hit me. The feeling and I thought it was just some random feeling, but this shit was real. I felt my insides and they started to burn. It must have been the beans, so I quickly went behind a bush and away from my brother. He doesn't know what privacy is and he went around the bush and saw me take a nice wet reflectiony shit.
I squatted there and he quickly started to laugh at my penis size and I didn't even know he knew about that kind of stuff. But he instantly stopped laughing and looked at it some more. He pointed to my dick and I laughed sarcastically at his reaction, but that’s when I got the feeling again, but it was in my little Willy that time. I felt the last of the shit come out and I squatted there frozen stiff. I saw some vines and leaves sprouting out like a fucking cabbage pouch kid and it started to grow from the inside of my peepee. I thought it was a chiia pet growing shit, but it started to grow vines and my penis got bigger and bigger. MY BROTHER WASN'T LAUGHING THEN. The vines started to crawl there was out from my tip at a fast past and they landed to the ground like I had some long ass hairs growing from my dick, like Poison Ivy…If she were a man.
I felt no pain, but I quickly embraced my brother and he started to scream, but I just kept on hugging him. I didn't want to look down at it and the feeling stopped as I felt my feet levitate from the ground while I saw my brother’s feet moving viciously trying to find the ground. My brother looked down and ignored my ripped open dick and saw that we were being lifted up into the sky by large roots.
I looked down and his words had truth to them and we were being lifted up into the heavens. I cringed when I looked at my Willy and thought, “How can I have the bitches now.” Soon as I thought of that we shot into a sky like a skydiver, but we were going up and we felt the find quickly smack out faces. The nature from my dick started to grow and grow, lifting us to the top of the clouds. I started to yell and curse my brother and told him he would pay for this and for the magic beans.
Eventually we stopped and we had our eyes close and we slowly opened them simultaneously and viewed out surroundings. I saw that the roots and stuff from my dick came off and it was my little Willy again. My brother was looking all around while I was looking at the tip of the bean stock at my side. I pulled my pants up and went beside him.
We saw clouds like soft puffs of farts moving majestically around us and that’s when we saw it. Some clouds moved out of the way and we saw a large castle closer then we though to us and eventually we decided to make our way to it.
The door was nothing that any basketball player could reach; it was like 8 stories high. I quickly saw a hole in the door and we went inside. The furniture looked like it would belong to some fucking giants that I would usually in McDonald's. The furniture and the kitchen utensils were large and could only be held by a giant of size.
The floor began to shake and my brother and I tried to keep our balance and we decided to hide under the couch as we saw who was making the earthquakes. I and my brother could not believe it when we saw Paula Deen coming from a room and with someone behind her. We saw two large green men coming from the same room and we looked away from it all.
Paula Deen was in the kitchen while the two green figures sat at the dining room table. I decided to look back and I saw one of the green giants hold a snail in his hand. He started to pet the snail and roared a mighty roar as soon as something gold came out from its shell. He lifted the golden object up and it was a golden egg that came from the shell.
I quickly thought of all the crack and things we could have from the eggs and that’s when I knew I had to do something. I looked behind me and told my brother to look at the giants and he did. When we looked back we saw that one of the giants at the end of the table pulled his pants down and from out view we saw a large cock flopping down and up when the giant looked at Paula and back at the other giant beside him. My brother started to back away, but that’s when he knocked into a hollow glass round container and started to roll out from the couch. I quickly fried to stop it by going in front of it and push it back, but something caught my attention. The bottle labeled “Gigantic potion! Able to make you and your lover(s) become giant sized. Property of the Fairy God Mother”.
I heard the commotion stop from the giants and they made their way to us. My brother reacted when he saw the head of Paula looking under the couch and she took her hand and grabbed the two of us. We were screaming and squirming to try and break free, but the three giants surrounded us and laughed. I got a good luck of the two and turned wide eyed at the realization of the characters before us.
Beside Paula were two green giants and I saw the one beside me started to ho ho ho like Santa would, and in the background there was an echo of some people saying “Green Giant.” The other smelled like onions and antenna ears and thankfully his pants were back on. I knew who they were, they were Shrek and the Jolly Green Giant from the green bean can and Paula was their bitch. I knew they were about to eat me, but I told them that I would make a deal with them if they would place us on the dining room table.
Moments later they did and we were right next to another bottle, but this one had a brown mustache and bears painted on it and the liquid inside glowed a peeish yellow. I looked up at the label and saw in bold swag writing “Chuck Me Up”. I quickly faced back at the giants and my brother was just staring at them as their eyes examined every tiny inch of his body. I saw at the corner of my eye was the large snail, but the snail had little smaller snails next to it popping out small eyes from their shells and I knew at that moment what to do.
I went to my knees and pleaded with the giants to take my brother and spare me and my brother looked back at me and started to cry like the little bitch he was. The giants huddled together and they quickly turned back at us and Shrek started to speak saying “It’s all ogre for your brother now.” They agreed to my terms and I saw the jolly green giant pick up my brother, but I wasn’t done yet. I quickly pushed the bottle behind me over when they weren't looking and I was relieved that is was open. I did a Bear Grills and drank that piss water like a boss and some different type of feeling kicked in. The bottle rolled off the table and the giants looked back at me and I went to my knees again holding onto my stomach. I looked down and saw some brown hairs coming out of my skin on my face. And I soon started to slowly turn into Chuck Norris and felt the whole world bow before me, even my clothes changed into something more appropriate for the moment. I quickly took one of the snails and the other giants tried to stop me, but I was too quick for them.
I grabbed my brother from the hands of the green giant and felt the snail slipping out from my Chuckafied hands and I quickly jumped out of the kitchen window and world slowed down for me as the glass shattered around me. The giants were to slow and I thought I was going to land on a cloud and be the hero, but we started to fall through the sky and my brother was screaming like a bitch. The snail was tightly in my grasp and I felt the wind go into my shirt and brush against my chest hairs and beard.
When we were almost to the ground I felt panicky, but I knew I would be fine. The ground soon meets us and I blacked out with my brother and the snail in my positions.
I woke up and I felt my pants wet from the adventure and saw my mother and brother beside me while patting on my forehead with a wet cold washcloth. I heard voices of comfort beside me from my window and saw three people. One was fat and had a fat white haired woman in his arm while next to her there was a fit skinny man holding a can of green beans.” I was all just a dream”, I thought to myself and that everything was in black and white again and I was back in Kansas with my pet dog sleeping at my side. But that’s when I felt it…Eyes staring at me from the distance. I looked at my dresser and saw a large snail looking at me…And that is how I became rich when I met the snail I named Gary and that he did actually lay golden eggs and we lived happily ever after…I had to tell the press a different story that you may know about “Jack and the Beanstalk” the old classic tail.